Serenity Now

There's alot of very uncool stuff going on in our world nowadays hey? Turn on the evening news and grab some tissues, cus this some depressing shiznit. Let's see...gots ourselves a war going on, the recession tightens our hold on the ol' wallet, Swine Flu...oops..my bad...H1N1, never mind the usual baby snatching, and murderous rampages, hurricanes, fires and what not.

I prefer to remain happily optimistic with all the chaos surrounding us.A bit of denial also helps. Things will get better, just keep on a going I say to myself. Or that was until I heard my radio guy mention a world wide coffee shortage!! Google it...it's true. Coffee bean shortage in Columbia sums it up quickly for ya. How's that for a Monday Morning wake up call!! Now that's just taking things too far! That's gonna get seriously UGLY!! Can't you just see all those Timmies freaks going bonkers? Heads will roll I tell ya! I mean seriously.....that was the last straw with me...I can do without many, many things...but coffee is not one of those things!!

I'm gonna stock pile now because I don't think I...no make that those people who have to live with me will make it through this crisis. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Hi ya' stranger!

"They" say that time flys. "They" are correct.

I walked into my house tonight and there was a stranger standing in my kitchen. I was shocked, and a bit scared at first.

I didn't have my glasses on, so I had to look a bit harder.

This feeling, that there's a stranger in my home happens alot lately. Because yesterday that stranger was my lil baby girl....and somehow over night she became not only the same size as me, but someone I cannot comprehend.

When babies cry they are hungry, need a diaper change, or need your attention. I know how to relate to that. I can go to the park for hours, watch Treehouse, and pretend. I can cut sandwiches into little cubes , and chase away the monsters under the bed. Then one day... it's not ' 'Mommy' anymore. It's 'Mom'....said in a voice that sounds like a nagging wife. They look like your baby....but all of a sudden...they aren't your baby anymore. When did an alien possess my child?

I want to relate to this 'stranger' for I think i know her. She looks alot like my baby.. like the child I once knew. I vaguely remember treating my parents in such a manner. I knew EVERYTHING...and they knew NOTHING! They were so extremely uncool...out to get me, and ruin all my fun. They were so not just regular people. They were the enemy.

I have become this...seemingly overnight. The little being whom I once craddled in my arms for hours...talks on the phone for hours, wears short skirts to school, looks back on our way to family night and asks "why are you following me?" and hides her face when I honk as she walks to school because she wouldn't be caught dead being dropped off by "Mom" This person who likes anime, cats, Pokemon, and all kinds of things unknown to me. I do not speak 'teen' apparantely.

It catches me off guard and takes my breath away everyday. I miss my baby, my toddler, my little girl.

I know....like me that someday my 'little girl' will see me as a person. Realize that I did know what I was talking about. Until that day, I will have to find away to be content with my 'backseat', to be the 'uncool' Mom, to watch and guide slyly from the sidelines as my baby becomes the woman she will be someday.

As time ticks on, I have no choice but to face the 'unknown', and try to embrace this stranger that walks amongst me.

Life is what happens when we're busy making plans...

It's been a country song kind of week. Handy Smurf and I got into a knock down, drag out (figuratively speaking) my sister had a baby, my uncle had a heart attack, and my dog ran away. Oh and somewhere in the middle we are having financial specialist look into our mess, a pillow blew up in the washing machine, oh, and my daughter wore the shortest skirt in the world, to school!

It took two days of dancing to expend all my pent up frustration! A few pounding and screaming into my pillow scenarios. And one small "mom moment' cry over where my lil baby girl went.

***Insert big sigh here***

There are so many stories within stories here. I could write about how I forgave Handy because I don't want to waste energy being mad. I could write about the cute, pudgy baby.

I could write how scared I was about the heart attack. How it makes one realize how fleeting life really is. I could write about the panic I held in when I realized the dog was missing. How the finacial specialist got me thinking about money, and the lack there of, and how important, or unimportant it really is. About how fast they grow up. About how the exploding pillow was a metaphor for how I felt inside.

Instead I wanted to remind anyone who reads this (come on....where are all my followers!!!hint intended) to not loose the lesson.

We do not remember days, we remember moments-Ceasar Pavese

Girl to the Cheese

I am much like a grilled cheese sandwich.

The first food I could make for myself.

I would cook strictly on Max. I was given this nickname for a time, due to this fact. I would burn my grilled cheese regularly. Over time, I learned the lesson that cooking on max wasn't the way to go. As with life...going, going going, full speed ahead without stopping, or going slow. I have learned the joy in slowing down. Taking the time to perfect and make life what I want it to be.

I would make grilled cheese for others. Most often I would burn one side. Flip it,and present the 'good' side. Hide the dark, distasteful underneath. Surprise!! Much the same as I used to represent myself....try to be something I am not. Hide the 'real' me. I know now, the best me, is all of me. The good,the bad, the burnt. Accept it or not. Just the way it is.

The warm,gooey inside. I used to try to be tough. Pretend I did not feel as much as i do. But, like the smooth, delicious flavor....that's one of the best parts. The part that makes me, me. What's inside holds the outer layers together.

A comfort food. I hope I am a comforting friend, family member,wife, and mom. Someone to rely on, when your world is a little cold. Always there. The right ingredients never far from home. A stable, when you have nothing else.

Dressed up and fancy. Or just plain.

Anytime of day.

A little bit sweet. A little bit salty.

Girled Cheese!!

Word up

Words. Powerful, emotional, beautiful, poignant.

Here are a few that I adore!

Calico-It is pretty and rolls so nicely on the tongue

Shiznit-feel so gangsta tough when I say it! FUN!

rheumitoid-strange word. interesting word. hard to spell

chartreuse

azythromyicin- like most medications..hard to pronounce

gargoyle-ugly but cute?

bugaboo

bohemian

soho

kalidescope

calligraphy-swirly and gorgeous

plethora

liposuction

buttock-best said with an accent

serendipity-repeat repeat repeat

fangdango

schinanigans-as mentioned previously

boob-*giggle*

fictious

hoop

voulez vous

idiosyncrisy

brouhaha

glockenspiel

coagulate

polka-fun to dance. fun to say

dongle

chihuahua-what a cute lil mouthful

vomit-so horrible but a neat word

infaliable

infamous

ruckus- A word Mom's use alot. "What's with all the ruckus?!"

romper room

gargantuian

per se

odacity

carbuncle

snarky

pseudonom

hypothisis

tubular

rastifarian

bodacious

flabbergast

quintessential

extraordinary-i like taking it apart...extra. ordinary

la te da

albatross

oxymoron

masticate-to hurt oneself

copulate

ravenous

marmalade- Paddington Bears favorite!!

ferocious

synopsis

hiatus

smorgsboard

soliloquy-First heard this word in Shakespeare..shakespeare is another great word

intergrity-I have this word on my mirror. wish more people did

macrabe

ethereal-a magical word!!

phelgm-sick boogers but so fun to spell

thripple- in balderdash a quess was 'third nipple'...lmao

risque-oooh la la (love ooh la la)

tout suite

mirage

voluptous

menage a trois

whirlpool

fisticuffs

leve-no sure on spelling, but it means hurry up in french

francais-french for french

mirange

tango

rendezvous

foreign

famished

ukulele

cumquat

garbonzo

falafel-yummy yummy!!

imbecible

mystique

clandestine

salute

bonjour-HELLO!!!!

tit for tat

lollygag

legume-vegetable in french

vegetable-legume in english

behoove

doodle-something is just fun about this

scenario

Superdooper

This list could go on, and on to infinity and beyond. There are so many wonderful words!!

Wonderland

Dreams. Strange. But intriguingly so. I wonder what they are all about.

When I was young I had this recurring dream about a massive weiner dog. It was as big as a house, and was travelling across the country causing chaos. My dad and uncle would try to capture this huge wiener dog, and it would then try to eat my sister and I would be sad about this. This makes no sense.

The other week I woke up with a jolt. I had dreamt of a chicken spider. Yes....there were chickens, with many legs that crawled walls, and one snuck up behind me and kinda stuck it's neck out at me and clucked. I jumped enough that it woke me up.

A few days ago, I awoke crying my eyes out. I dreamt I was a waitress and I had 3 tables. I had gathered orders for 2, but forgot about the 3rd and the patron yelled at me, as well as did my 'boss'. I was so frustrated and confused by all this...I started to cry in my dream, and woke up just bawling and feeling awful about the entire ordeal!!

I have mentioned my ninja turkey dream, and I have had this one several times. And just so you know, I have nothing against poultry ( I did see a live turkey though at a petting zoo recently, and wow...Fugly. Scary fugly!!) I have terrible nightmares as well...they are vivid and very very real. I feel the terror even after I wake up and sometimes cannot fall back to sleep. And if I do, alot of times I just continue dreaming like I've hit pause on a movie and resumed play!

Not all people remember their dreams. I remember nearly all. The feelings of them linger, and sometimes follow me throughout the day. I have in the past tried to interpret some of them, but now choose to just decide what they mean to me, and me alone. Maybe they mean nothing at all?

Striving for More Wierdness

Random Facts About this kid:

1. I am afraid of clowns. In fact I had a nightmare about being chased by some the other nite.

2. The only card game I actually know how to play is GO FISH!

3. I never drink milk.

4. Which is probably why I break bones a lot

5. Nearly all the dogs we had as a children were named Pat

6. I have constantly itchy ears

7. I used to think all grown men had beards.

8. I have trouble swallowing bread.

9. Constantly cold feet

10. I have never found a breakfast cereal that I enjoy.

11. I don't really like shopping.

12. I am a pack-rat. I come by it honestly...through my genetics.

13. I could spend hours reading cards in the card store.

14. In my past life I'm certain I was a princess.

15. People watching is SO much fun. I like to make up life stories for people.

16. I am amazed that I can keep house plants alive!

17. I would like to find one team sport that I am good at. It makes me sad that I'm such a klutz, cuz I rather like playing sports.

18. I actually like that my nose is crooked.

19. I always read the back of the book. I can never just wait to find out what happens.

20. I have a 'Bucket List'

21. I think it's better to be wierd than ordinary. I strive for more wierdness

22. Since becoming a vegetarian, I miss bacon the most.

23. I google EVERYTHING I can think of because I over analyze and research everything.

24. I like the taste of pepto bismol

25. I am the worst gift wrapper ever. I am thankful for whomever made gift bags!

Magic Spells

I'm not talking about potions or elixers. Although I have invented a few of those in my day. Tasted dreadful. Did not work.

I'm talking about those things that happen, that have no explanation. Or a feeling you get.

I believe in magic.

When I was pregnant with Smurfette. I knew before i KNEW. I just knew. That is all.

Was dating this guy. There was a girl. A total stranger. Just one of those people you happen to see everywhere you go. My first thought was that maybe we were to be friends. She looked alot like me. One day I saw my guy, talking to this Mini-Me, and then I knew...THEY should not be friends. And when I found them in bed together months later, I was not surprised. For the next 5 years they lived and had a child together. It did not work...and now...we are good friend. Probably could have wrote that book.

One day in the middle of a snowy December. It was time. I had to go to him. HE was waiting for me. Everyone asked me why I was moving. I am sure they thought I had gone completely cheeseball, when I answered that I was going to meet my future husband. I met Handy Smurf a week after I got here.

And, my sister and I heard fairies. There IS NO other explanation. We know what we heard, and that's just the way it is.

Magic.

The wind beneath my wings

Inspiration. Can it be sought do you think, or is it something that finds its way to you? People, pictures, moments in time, valiant words of wisdom, a movie. Different strokes for different folks. And what inspires you today, may not have yesterday, and may mean something completely different tomorrow.
I have mostly been inspired by people. Their actions and their words. There are certain people who will always inspire me. They are my heros, who don't wear capes or tights...although that visual is truly laughable!
These are people who stood up for what they believed, and did not back down despite how others made them feel about their choices. People who forged ahead, and showed dignity and strength despite the circumstances placed on them. Who looked tragedy in the face and kept going, and keep smiling. People who put passion into everything they do. People who think that one person can change the world, and HAVE ...mine.
When I think about my everyday heros, it changes my outlook in an instant. From doom and gloom to sunshine and butterflies. If they can do it...damn it...so can I!
Who or what inspires you?

In my head...

...here's something I always do. I play my life out like a movie or an episode of my favorite show. A book most of the time though.
I've always done this actually. I wonder how many others actually do this? Maybe I'm the only one? Just walk around doing everyday things, playing it back like the words on a page. Take the past moment for example. In my book it would read...
“And now, she brushes back the hair on her face, reaches down takes a sip of her tea, and continues to pour her thoughts out on the laptop in front of her.”
I've never told anyone that I do this before.
Here's something else I do. When I'm feeling introspective. I ask myself big questions.
Today I ask myself this, from that saying...”Hindsight is 20/20” ...or “If you could just go back and tell yourself then, what you know now!” .
“If you could go back and change things...if you really and truly could go back, and tell your childhood self to...say for example..not take that first drag of cigarette...or not date that person , that you shoulda answered C not B or...that you really should have said yes, or no...would you?
We're not supposed to live with any regrets. Everything happens for a reason! If you did not go through all the things you have, you wouldn't be you.
But do you ever wonder what it would, or could be like? Who you might have become if you'd have just made a different decision. If you had ? Would you be a drug addicted homeless person? Could you have become a doctor? A world renowned philanthropist?A beekeeper? Someone or no-one? Would you like the same food, music? Would you still have the same ethics, or values even?Would your friends be your friends? Would you live here? Or maybe by the ocean?Would your soul mate, still have the same heart? Would your favorite color be the same? Could you go back and stomp on the dreams of that naïve, lil person you once were? Would the you, you used to be, even listen?
Then, I put the two together. I believe it's called daydreaming.
Let's do it together, it's fun.
In the story...play it out like a movie in your head, whatever.... there's a person. It is you. Your voice is the same, you look like you. But a different you. Maybe you're on a plane. As the plane descends, you look out the window, trying to see through the clouds to the city that is below. The plane lands, and you walk out into a different life. This happens again and again. Each time you disembarks, you are you , but circumstances are different. Maybe in one 'life' as you get off the plane,you realize that you are wearing the orange jumpsuit of a criminal, your arms and legs in shackels. Being led off by guards. You look... Sad and pathetic. evil and full of hate. Or, with no feeling at all. And you wonder...what happened to this person? You want to know how you came to be here? Did something traumatic happen? What makes a person get to this point? Will you get back up from rock bottom?
Or not so dramatic...
You stand up in an crisp navy blue business suit, and ask the assistant beside you if she's called and booked your room yet? You reaches down, pick up a briefcase and march off the plane into a blazing sun, answering a cell phone. A high-powered business person. You wonder what you do exactly? Do you live some place warm? What kind of car do you drive? What did you have to do to get here? Does this make you happy?
Or maybe something along the lines of,
A carefree, tree-hugging, hippy landing in Africa on your next mission to save the rainforest. Sandals on your feet, hair that hasn't seen a comb in days.
A high rise window washer. Or a celebrity. A server in a bar. Trailer park trash. A rock star. A dentist.
Or whoever you want to be.
The proud, and lucky owner of a very fantastic, and average life! A genuine and cool human. Doing neat things and having fun doing them. Trying hard every day. Learning from mistakes. Not taking back one moment, because it got you here and you like it here.
..
It will still be your life....you're still the same you. Doing the things you always do, and have always done.
"She stood up and turned off the computer, smiling to herself, pleased with herself. Somehow, she managed to snag her big toe on the coffee table and hitting the floor with a howl, “Doh,” she said.

Ghouled Cheese

There is a ghost here, in my home.
My husband, (whom I've chosen to call Handy Smurf, henceforth on this blog) thinks I have lost the last remaining marble but his explaination for the noises doesn't make sense. I think he just wants me to go back to sleep.
So here's the deal:
Smurfette (daughter) couldn't sleep one nite because of strange noises upstairs on the roof. This coming from a girl who slept on the couch for 3 weeks because of the 'hamster ghost' (story in a story....hamster died in her room!...sigh It was blackmail...the only way to get rid of hamster ghost was to get a new one....which i caved into..and 1 week later she let go and it went down the heating register...but slay the ghost it did (??hmm??) and back upstairs she now sleeps. We are not meant to have pet hamsters) Did not believe this tale, but go lay down with her anyways. Fall into awkward sleep on small bed. Wake up...HEAR wierd noises!! Now...I am not one to spazz out, so I considered. No...it's the middle of winter and -40 in Whoville....spiderman is not lurking up there...theives/killers would be wise enough to use the doors, and there are no branches near. Then...another BANG!! From the other corner!! WTF!!
That's it...I'm waking up Handy Smurf! Who is NOT impressed to awoken from slumber for...ice breaking on the roof. Maybe this is correct. Nothing else makes sense. I eventually accept this as truth and fall asleep.
A month goes by....la la la....Beetlejuice is silent.
And THEN...
It was the night before Wednesday, and all was silent. Not a creature was sturring...not even a hamster ghost.
THUNGA BANG! Right beside my head. In my room. Sounded like someone pounding on the wall. As if! I am WIDE awake.
1/2 hr goes by. THUD!!! In the closet. In my room.
1/2 hr or so. WHOMP!! Behind the bed!!
Okay...I reason with myself. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP!!
Someone is running up and down the stairs??? Smurfette? Nope. No one there.
No one anywhere. I want to be badass. I want to be unafraid. I want to be Ghost Whisperer.
"Stop making a racket please. I am trying to sleep!" I whisper into the night. And I am thirsty but too chickenshit to go to the kitchen. "And could you get me some water?"
No one anywhere.
WHACK! Door. Handy Smurf...GET UP!!!
Now...Handy Smurf checks it all out...and gives me the same 'ice breaking' idea. How can this be?? Ice breaking on the roof, on the 2nd story, making running noises on the stairwell, and pounding noises in our room?? Not buying it. I let him think I did because I'm tough and no nonsense wifey. And he's grumpy when I wake him in the middle of the nite.

But secretly, I feel there's a mischeivous little ghouly bugger here.
I don't mind it living here, as long as it is friendly.
But if I awake to some see-thru little rodent jawing my schnooz during my slumber that's another story!!

Schinanigans

I'm rather unsure if that's the spelling, but i'm absolutely sure that no matter how ya spell it....this word ROCKS!! I love it, try to use it whenever possible, and giggle out loud when others do!

Life is full of schinanigans...well it is when you're me. Always been that way...finally come to the realization that it always will be. I will be the ol' lady causing trouble in the home. I've already decidided that one of the weekly activities should so be a weekly wheelchair race.

Anyway....latest schinanigans in the Girled Cheese world. Let's see...

- decided maybe would like to be a yoga instructor.

- our dog get's jealous when myself and DH 'wrestle' and has taken to eating the garbage to show his displeasure. Looked this up on the internet...but let's just say the search results were..strange.

-went to the big city to visit some friends from college.Partied like was still in college. Felt the table was a preferable place to show off my dance moves, which consisted of hitting the floor hard, and nearly getting tossed out the door by a burly bouncer man. Took 2 days to recover, and have lots of now green bruises to remind myself of why shooters are bad.

-Grew a big zit on my chin. It actually hurts. Won myself a free facial today. I don't want the lady to see my zit. Why is that?? It's like shaving when you go to the doctor. But I got some new cleanser at LUSH in the city. Hoping this will cure my chinacne. Got some solid sha-mpoo and conditioner too. Little bit wierd to use, but so far, so good.

-worked out way too hard after had brillant yoga instructor idea. 2 1/2 hours too hard and pulled muscles in both my calves. Couldn't walk for 2 days. Stairs were brutal, and DD thought I needed a walker. She's hilarious hey!!

Oh dear....my facial is in a few minutes. I'm crossing my fingers she just doesn't say anything about the zit. Although I'll prolly get nervous and bring it up myself...sigh. See what schinanigans I can get into this week!! ;)

A Ninja Turkey Warrior??

"When I grow up, I wanna be famous, wanna be a star...wanna have boobies" Pussycat Dolls song..which is way over played on the radio...and which apparently is 'groupies'...not boobies, but I'll stick to boobies because I prefer it.

When I grow up....I have no idear, what I want to be! I quit my job recently, thinking I would have an ephiphany of sorts...like in the movies where the heroine finally realizes that she was always destined to design shoes or something like that. Or maybe I will have a dream, and turn it into a book series about vampires like that now famous author. But nope....the only dreams I'm having are about Queen Latifa chasing me with snakes, or fighting ninja turkeys. Perhaps, this indicates I should be a ninja. I have always thought I would make a superior ninja, but I'm a klutz and therefore would most likely injure myself on a regular basis.

I given some thought to afternoon drinking to assist in creative thinking, but that would lead a path straight to A.A. I have made lists and read self-help books. I have tried meditating...which is much harder than it appears. Exercise as well. I've even channeled my inner Martha. Although I now can make a mean,not burned to a crisp, chocolate chip cookie I doubt I will open a bakery.

When I was little, I wanted to be a nurse. I have since gagged everytime I changed my daughter's poopy diaper, and blood brings the floor and I closer together. Not exactly the desired qualities for a nurse.

As a long-time single mom, I took whatever job came a long to put food on the table, and a roof over our heads. I went to college...twice, in order to improve my chances of obtaining a good paying job! But now, as a married woman, my husband I decided that it was a chance for me to really do something that matched my passions and take the time to find that. But what are they? When will I know? There are many things I am good at...but what am I great at?

Life isn't a fairytale, a movie, or a song and my epiphany is not jumping out to ninja me in the face. So, in the meantime I will try this blogging thing on for size!!