Friday, October 29, 2010

I can't help it....

So, like a forgotten fire, childhood can always flare up again within us.


Gaston Bachelard

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Over the Threshold

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay wouldmake me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Share this and, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


Thursday, October 21, 2010


So...a little scene for you.

I finally decide not to sell my vehicular. Even though I am not a big fan of this particular car of mine, we kinda need it. I put the registration on yesterday. Big day!!! I'm  excited to drive it once again....backing outta the drive should be easier in a smaller vessel. it has sat for nearly a year, I said to my love that we should take it for a little tour in case it needs to work out some kinks, and get it some gas etc.
So, I get all geared up and in I get.
And here's what happened,


The gas peddle totalled stuck, and I crashed into the family van.

We'll need to get this checked out before I get on the road...............

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Monday, October 4, 2010

Top 50 scariest horror movies of all time - Halloween movies -

It's that time again...time to get your freak on. Freaky movies that is....Some of these I could only watch during daylight hours for sure!!


Top 50 scariest horror movies of all time - Halloween movies -

Acordian playing becomes cool

So into this's not like anything out there right now, which I'm all about!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

These are not those days

Parenting a teenage girl is HARD. Parenting a teenage girl with ADHD is HARDER still.

Untreated ADHD.

She refuses to take her medication. I long for the days when I could put cherry flavored medicine into a syringe and shoot it down her throat.

These are not those days.

She refuses to see her doctor...won't get into the vehicle. I long for the days when I could pick her up and plunk her down into her carseat, safely buckled in.

These are not those days.

She cannot sleep properly. Sometimes she's awake for the entire night, only falling to sleep when it's time to go to school. Making it next to impossible to wake in the morning. And even when she does sleep, it's all I can do to get her up. I long for the days when I would read to her, then lay there snuggled up to her and rub her back until I heard her sleep breathing, in and out...

These are not those days.

She cannot get out the door on time for the life of her. She forgets everything. Her hair has to be JUST SO. It has to be THIS shirt or nothing. I long for the days when I would pick her outfit, and do her hair in pigtails while she watch Dora and ate waffles every morning.

These are not those days.

I live in fear that she will get kicked out of school for lack of attendance, or for being late everyday. Statistics of untreated ADHD flash through my mind......

*Teenagers with ADHD have 400% more traffic accidents and traffic tickets than teen without ADHD.

*Twice as many teens with this disorder will run away from home (about 32%) than teens without ADHD.

*As many as 50% of the teenagers in juvenile detention facilities have untreated ADHD.

*Teens with untreated ADHD are three times more likely to be arrested for arson (16%) as those without ADHD.

*Teenagers with untreated ADHD are ten times more likely to get pregnant, or cause a pregnancy, than those without the disorder.

*Teens untreated for ADHD are 400% more likely to contract a sexually transmitted disease than those without ADHD.

*Teens untreated for ADHD will average two arrests by the age of 18.

*Approximately 20% of teenagers with untreated ADHD will be arrested for a felony.

*It is reported that almost 10% of people with ADHD have attempted suicide within the past 3 years. About 5% die from either suicide or accidental injury

*It is common for people with ADHD to turn to addictive substances such as alcohol, marijuana, heroin, prescription tranquilizers, pain medication, nicotine, caffeine, sugar, cocaine and street amphetamines in attempts to soothe their restless brains and bodies.

I fear for her life, as I watch her throw it away. I feel hopeless, but know if I loose hope then she doesn't stand a chance. She's my baby...I HAVE to have hope. I won't give up. I just don't know what to do next. I have tryed all I can think of.....

She's a GOOD kid. She's gorgeous, talented, funny, creative, an amazing friend, smart, and loving.

I long for the day when she sees what I see....