Monday, August 30, 2010

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Eat, Pray, Love. My Version


Finally went and saw Eat, Pray, Love last night. I had related to the book and authors journey, during the early days of my divorce, and as it's nearing upon a year to that date, I see it's only fitting I write of my own version.

This past year I have experienced much of what Liz, in the book had.


One scene (from the movie..if it was in book I don't remember) that totally resonated with me and felt all too familar, was when she was explaining her marriage. She was saying that she didn't understand why she didn't feel connected to her life. She had actively participated in building that life, the marriage, the house...and now she didn't want it?? From the wedding, to renovations, to being the perfect wife...she, as did I, exhausted herself, making that reality come true.



I had this image, planted in my head by society. I had to be married by this age. I had to create the cookie cutter family. That was my ingrained definition of success. Without a man to 'complete' the picture, I was a failure somehow. Everyone else had a 'someone, while I had begun to feel like Bridget Jones most of the time...my pals token still single friend, with a wake of failed relationship disaters trailing me, and becoming over-told joke at family functions.

I had already gone about things backwards, by having my daughter alone, I felt like I had to do double time to make up for it, and get her a male role model asap. Not getting any younger...time for a family of my own, and I sought it out.

So, when I met someone whom I wasn't too sure on, but said they wanted the same...I blindly said yes. I shot down every red flag that came up. There were many signs along the way...warning me, but I ignored them all, telling myself i was just afraid of commitment, we'd 'get over it.'

And I bought my own lie, hook, line and sinker.

My 'fairy-tale'  was nothing like I had idealistically built it up to be. The day I had always dreamed of turned into a fake. The entire 'idea' of it...in reality... the biggest of let-downs.

Having FINALLY succeeded in my mission, and outwardly appearing to have 'it' all, the perfect life, I had always wanted and worked very hard to acheive, I was dumbstruck to find myself absolutely miserable. My inner voice was SCREAMING and clawing to be heard.

I fought with my inner voice bitterly. "Shut-up and put up!"

I mocked my inner voice. "You wanted this, and now that you have it...you don't? Selfish, flighty girl!"

I heard the scathing last words of my long ago ex hauntingly whisper, "You'll never be happy. Nothing is every good enough for you."

"I'll show you!"

Believing I was doing what was best, and being SO strong I forged on. Struggling to keep two people, who shouldn't have been in the first place, together. Fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of ridicule..fear kept me in it's clutches. I was determined to piece back together a truth I had bought into for so long. There was NO WAY I could have had it all wrong!

But, thankfully my inner voice won the battle. Some how through all the noise of everyone, and my feelings, my truth freed itself.
It was either that or end up a corporate, trophy, suburban wife. Be average, and normal. Put on a smile, become more in debt, don't have an opinion or a brain, become a 'sheep' and follow the herd of a million miserable souls.


That equalled death to me.

My old dream...now raw and scrubbed clean of anything it had ever had been....or me.

I chose me.

But who, after all was I? Considering everything I had just based my entire existence upon, and worked towards, no longer existed, or was never true to begin with.

By choosing me...I chose to at least find out. Although a life long relationship and journey that, that is, I am closest to living the truth, and being me than ever before.

Eat. Dropped 15 pounds. Put 10 back. I no longer eat just the veggie left-overs of the 'meat and potatoes smothered in ketchup' meal I made for everyone else. We make, then nosh, on all kinds of new, interesting vegetarian dishes. And not just with eating/cooking. I have made a point to take more time to do things I've always wanted to. To enjoy every minute I can. To live in the present with passion, pleasure and joy.


Pray. I have found a balance of spirit. There is no 'inner/outer' voice. Just one, who speaks for me as entire, complete person. Everyday I work towards maintaining that whole, accepting every part of me, good or bad. I believe, and trust that I am meant to be exactly where I am.

Love. I found the courage to let go and open up my entire heart. Now, I wake up daily beside someone who loves me for me. And whom, without trying is everything I've ever wanted. My heart is safe, and whole in his arms, exactly where it was always meant to be. My family doesn't look at all like what I had thought it should. It's even better!

Althought my journey of self discovery wasn't in such exotic places as Elizabeth in Eat, Pray, Love, I feel we had much the same experience.

Now...I wonder who would play me in my 'movie' version??


Say Hello to Our Little Friend!

I hope my sister comes with me to see this!!




Hello pic-i-nic basket....

Hey Boo-Boo....

It's Dan Akroyd!


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Every Woman Should...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...




enough money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to...







A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....



something perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...









A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..



a youth she's content to leave behind....







A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...



a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to

retelling it in her old age....







A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....





a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...





A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....





one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...







A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....



a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...







A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...



eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored...







A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..



a feeling of control over her destiny...







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...



how to fall in love without losing herself..







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without;

ruining the friendship...





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...



when to try harder... and�WHEN TO WALK AWAY...







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....



that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...



that her childhood may not have been perfect....but it's over...







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...



how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .



whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...



where to go...

be it to her best friend's kitchen table..

or a charming� Inn�in the woods...

when her soul needs soothing...







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...



What she can and can't accomplish in a day...

a month...and a year...



Thursday, August 12, 2010

Most Un-wonderful time of the year.



Competely Disagree!!! Totally bogus! Most wonderful time of the year my ass!
Here are a list of my reasons:

1. School supplies cost a pretty penny. Like seriously...a lot! One new eraser isn't bad, but that stuff adds up lemme tell ya.

2. New runners, fall jackets....back 2 school clothing...yup...also puts Mom's and Dad's pocket book in the red. I can actually feel my bank card burning up at the thought of it.

3. One word. Lunch!!!!!!!!! Making them. Buying them. Monitoring the snack consumption so the granola bars can last the full week. Trying to come up with new locations to hide said snacks. One word. UNCOOL!

4. Homework. Another dreaded word for both the kids...and the parents. I am not a fan of arguing over fractions, home reading another book about cats, helping to color another map, or spelling lists.

5. Waking up the beasts! It's like waking up a pack of hibernating, hungry bears. Then herding them out the door and off to their favorite place (ba ha!). Oh joy!

6. Fund raisers aka: money grabbers. Chocolates, magazines, cookies...sure...we all need extra's of that stuff laying around. We also have all the time  and gall in the world to hit up our families and friends for money every other week.

7. Papers. To sign, to stack in the corner, to try to discreetly recycle whilst the kiddies aren't looking.

My face looks just like the kids in this commercial. Herumph!!! Wake me up next July 1st!