I am a paper hoarder for good reason.
This has meant a lot to me over time, and it's the place I've always wanted to be.
It is now.
The Awakening
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside you head cris out ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and struggling to hold on! And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through te mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.........
You realize it's time to stop hoping, and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that he or she is not Prince or Princess Charming and you are not Cinderella or Cinderfella and in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of you or what you are...and that's Ok (they are entitled to their own views and opinions) You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop criticizing and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do to you).
You learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of the messages and opinons that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the beliefs you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and re-defining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrow, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to trust your own knowing.
You learn it is truly in giving that we receive, that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a 'consumer' looking for your next fix.
You learn principles such as honesty and integrity are not outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then, you learn about love, romantic love and familial love.
You learn how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings into a relationship. You learn you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more loveable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations,and outcomes. You learn just as people grow and change so it is with love...and you learn you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy.
You learn to be alone does not mean lonely...and you look in the mirror, and come to terms with the fact you will never be a size 3 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you 'stack up.'
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK..and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
You learn your body really is your temple. You care for it and treat it with respect. You also begin by eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear so you take time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn, that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn anything work acheiving is worth working for, and wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn in order to acheive success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.
You also learn no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time, FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live on your terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn life isn't always fair, and you don't always get what you think you deserve and sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn no one is punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It is just life happening.
You learn to deal with evil in its primal state - the ego. You learn negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon this earth can only dream of: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself and to make yoursef a promise to never betray yourself, and to never settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility .
Finally, with courage in your heart and with faith by your side you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
You're awake.
It feels good...It makes me dance around and twirl in my fun dress in the sunshine. It makes me notice the birds, and the clouds.
