Saturday, August 28, 2010

Eat, Pray, Love. My Version

Finally went and saw Eat, Pray, Love last night. I had related to the book and authors journey, during the early days of my divorce, and as it's nearing upon a year to that date, I see it's only fitting I write of my own version.

This past year I have experienced much of what Liz, in the book had.

One scene (from the movie..if it was in book I don't remember) that totally resonated with me and felt all too familar, was when she was explaining her marriage. She was saying that she didn't understand why she didn't feel connected to her life. She had actively participated in building that life, the marriage, the house...and now she didn't want it?? From the wedding, to renovations, to being the perfect wife...she, as did I, exhausted herself, making that reality come true.

I had this image, planted in my head by society. I had to be married by this age. I had to create the cookie cutter family. That was my ingrained definition of success. Without a man to 'complete' the picture, I was a failure somehow. Everyone else had a 'someone, while I had begun to feel like Bridget Jones most of the pals token still single friend, with a wake of failed relationship disaters trailing me, and becoming over-told joke at family functions.

I had already gone about things backwards, by having my daughter alone, I felt like I had to do double time to make up for it, and get her a male role model asap. Not getting any younger...time for a family of my own, and I sought it out.

So, when I met someone whom I wasn't too sure on, but said they wanted the same...I blindly said yes. I shot down every red flag that came up. There were many signs along the way...warning me, but I ignored them all, telling myself i was just afraid of commitment, we'd 'get over it.'

And I bought my own lie, hook, line and sinker.

My 'fairy-tale'  was nothing like I had idealistically built it up to be. The day I had always dreamed of turned into a fake. The entire 'idea' of reality... the biggest of let-downs.

Having FINALLY succeeded in my mission, and outwardly appearing to have 'it' all, the perfect life, I had always wanted and worked very hard to acheive, I was dumbstruck to find myself absolutely miserable. My inner voice was SCREAMING and clawing to be heard.

I fought with my inner voice bitterly. "Shut-up and put up!"

I mocked my inner voice. "You wanted this, and now that you have don't? Selfish, flighty girl!"

I heard the scathing last words of my long ago ex hauntingly whisper, "You'll never be happy. Nothing is every good enough for you."

"I'll show you!"

Believing I was doing what was best, and being SO strong I forged on. Struggling to keep two people, who shouldn't have been in the first place, together. Fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of ridicule..fear kept me in it's clutches. I was determined to piece back together a truth I had bought into for so long. There was NO WAY I could have had it all wrong!

But, thankfully my inner voice won the battle. Some how through all the noise of everyone, and my feelings, my truth freed itself.
It was either that or end up a corporate, trophy, suburban wife. Be average, and normal. Put on a smile, become more in debt, don't have an opinion or a brain, become a 'sheep' and follow the herd of a million miserable souls.

That equalled death to me.

My old raw and scrubbed clean of anything it had ever had been....or me.

I chose me.

But who, after all was I? Considering everything I had just based my entire existence upon, and worked towards, no longer existed, or was never true to begin with.

By choosing me...I chose to at least find out. Although a life long relationship and journey that, that is, I am closest to living the truth, and being me than ever before.

Eat. Dropped 15 pounds. Put 10 back. I no longer eat just the veggie left-overs of the 'meat and potatoes smothered in ketchup' meal I made for everyone else. We make, then nosh, on all kinds of new, interesting vegetarian dishes. And not just with eating/cooking. I have made a point to take more time to do things I've always wanted to. To enjoy every minute I can. To live in the present with passion, pleasure and joy.

Pray. I have found a balance of spirit. There is no 'inner/outer' voice. Just one, who speaks for me as entire, complete person. Everyday I work towards maintaining that whole, accepting every part of me, good or bad. I believe, and trust that I am meant to be exactly where I am.

Love. I found the courage to let go and open up my entire heart. Now, I wake up daily beside someone who loves me for me. And whom, without trying is everything I've ever wanted. My heart is safe, and whole in his arms, exactly where it was always meant to be. My family doesn't look at all like what I had thought it should. It's even better!

Althought my journey of self discovery wasn't in such exotic places as Elizabeth in Eat, Pray, Love, I feel we had much the same experience.

Now...I wonder who would play me in my 'movie' version??

No comments: